Inauthenticity Is The Path To Authenticity

How I’m creating new levels of intimacy and self-confidence in my life

Jan 25, 2024

By the age of 31 I have never seen my parents fight. My father’s mantra was always ‘harmony in the house’. I do my best to reflect this in all my relationships. I do whatever I can to avoid conflict and disharmony. I do this in my romantic relationship.

One of the first things me and Bea agreed upon in our relationship was radical honesty; Saying it how it is, however painful it might be to say or hear.

Despite our pinky promise, I still find myself swallowing some truths masking what I really feel. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, avoiding certain situations and conversations that could possibly create discomfort, hurt her or not be the good-vibes-guy I made myself into to fit in.

Last night Bea told me about a fear of hers that I won’t be able to tell her the truth of how I feel and I’ll end up distancing myself from her. I paused absorbing her words.

My stomach sank as I felt the truth of what she said reverberate through my body all the way back to every relationship I’d ever had.

I do that. I’d be caught. I’d been seen.

A concoction of the fear of having to actually say things that might create discomfort and pain in someone, and joy and relief that I was being invited to share myself fully and totally, breaking the pattern of years, flooded my bloodstream.

I looked through my body to feel what things I hadn’t said that I was holding on to. I could feel the familiar feeling of a tight, restless feeling in my gut shrowded by a fear that begged me not to say anything.

“Sometimes, I feel like we’re on different vibes and that I need more time to be in silence or stillness. Sometimes, I feel lost when you’re telling an excitable story and I long to meet you in a more slower space of connection”

My first feeling upon saying how I actually felt was that I was being a pussy; soft and flaccid. I felt scared that Bea would take it personally, as if what I was saying was “I don’t like your stupid stories”. The image of her as a little girl being crushed by the words flashed across my mind.

I told her about the ways I make myself look present whilst I agonise not doing what I’d rather be doing. I admitted that I sometimes want to look like I’m a good partner . I know how to do the ‘good partner’ thing. I’ve been doing the Good Boy Show for all my life. Revealing my inauthenticities one by one.

Instead, she nodded. Gave a wry smile. And understood. What she was already feeling was being confirmed.

Tears hugged my eyes from behind.

There was huge relief for both of us. In Bea sharing her fear and inviting me forward, out of the shadows of what I’d learned is acceptable, I got the chance to meet myself in my fullness. She got the chance to meet me, too.

We leaned in and held one another.

In moments like these, I feel more close to myself and more close to Bea than ever. It’s in these micro-truths, and radical conversations that healing really happens.

I am committed to revealing over concealing.

This means that I am practicing being radically honest with myself, and those around me about what I really want and what I really feel. Doing that in certain ways feels scary as fuck to me, and it feels awesome.

For one week I will do this ruthlessly to grow that muscle. To allow those around me to have whatever sadness, frustration or misunderstanding they may feel, whilst staying committed to radical authenticity and connection.